I’d been moaning for a good couple of months that I was bored in the job I was in. He knew I’d long since wanted to be self employed. Doing that was out of the question unless I went into a joint venture with him. He’s always known that I’ve been a keen writer. Being the obedient little dormouse that I had become, I followed orders and remained working in the company I was working for.
After having been made redundant around three months before, he hadn’t found a steady job yet.
No real stability despite the fact that we had a mortgage to pay. That was seemingly of no concern to him. As long as he got his stubbies from Lidl every night and around 3-4 hours of PS4 game time (not to mention however long he played for during the day), then everything was rosy in his eyes. The face that I had gone into an autopilot of eat, sleep, work repeat was of no matter to him. I wasn’t living, I was just blankly existing. It was neither here not there to him.
Then, March came. I got what I felt was amazing news for me. I was being offered a trial for a new job. Still in the same company, but a different office. This was THE job. The job that I had been waiting TWO YEARS for. My manager pulled me into a meeting room to give me the good news and I found myself giving a reply that was so second nature to me:
“I need to make sure it’s OK with my husband first” – WHO DOES THAT… Oh wait…. Me
So, I called him to give him the good news. I was so excited to tell him and though maybe, just maybe, he’d be happy for me, or that he’d be proud. I was naïve. Stupid some might say. I asked if it was OK for me to take it to which the response was:
“It’s up to you”
Whilst this doesn’t sound too bad to some people, he always said this to make me second guess myself.
Like when I wanted to see my friends, he’s day that then be angry when I got home. It was the same principle here. It’s a very passive aggressive tone, no eye contact, shrugged shoulders, that sort of thing. If I were to say I would stay home, or not take the job, he’d be all smiles and all cuddles for all of about ten minutes before he fell silent again. If you did something he didn’t like, then silent treatment struck like lightning. Thankfully it was on the phone, so the pill wasn’t quite so hard to swallow.
I found myself justifying why I wanted this job. Why I needed to do it. I think at one point I almost caught myself begging. It was to the point where the conversation was one sided.
I went sheepishly to my line manager and said that I would take the job. This was on a Tuesday, and they wanted me in the new job the following Monday. The turnaround is that quick! When it was all confirmed later that day, I was overjoyed. The sheepish guilt I felt when I was on the phone to him washed away for a few hours. The issue was that work had become a safe place and a sanctuary for me. I enjoyed being in the office more than I enjoyed being in my own home, even on the days I was bored shitless. It was a much needed respite from what was going on behind closed doors.
I figured his problem with this new job might have been the location.
It was nearly 30 miles from home after all. Maybe he was being caring and was worried about me doing such a long drive alone? No. It all came out when I got home. He did have problems with me taking the job. Questions and statements like:
“You’ll be working with more people I don’t know”
“How many men are there”
“Nobody had better touch my wife” – and so on.
I listed the names of people, as I already knew who I’d be working with, but it did nothing to appease him. I was just getting frustrated because I just felt like he wasn’t listening. Now I have left, I know he wasn’t. He had his own agenda which was to clip my wings. Although, given the situation at the time, with the redundancy and unemployment, I think there was a certain degree of envy. He was struggling for work while I, on the other hand, was being given the opportunity to better myself. He didn’t like it. At one point, I remember him saying that women shouldn’t be breadwinners. I think maybe he forgot what year we live in. I was given the chance to better myself. So, I took it, even if it was without the blessing of the person that was supposed to love me. Whenever there was money or a payrise involved, then that might stem his interest. Another means of having social standing or more disposable income every month.
My first day came and I was so excited. I was up early, found my smartest clothes as I was in a new office. I did my hair perfectly and put a full face of make up on. I was feeling so good that morning, so, I wanted to look the part too. I got ready and left the house while he was still asleep. No good luck. Nothing. I’d be lying if I were to say I wasn’t a little bit pissed off. I left the house without causing a stir.
I had my first day of initial training, which was quite uneventful and then made my way home. When I got back there was silence. I don’t know what else I expected. Not a word from him. Not even so much as a greeting and a “how was your day” – Nothing. Lo and behold, he was sat there playing his PlayStation on the same game that he always lived on and a beer next to him. I just went upstairs to change and then came down to the kitchen and cooked. That’s how it remained almost every night for the entirety of that month.
Once that month passed, I went back to my normal office, being told the job I had been doing would be advertised on the job boards for a permanent contract in the proceeding couple of weeks. I was overjoyed. I went home and told him that evening.
“Wasn’t a month enough for you?”
“What makes you so fucking special?”
That hurt. He was the one person in the world that was supposed to think I’m worth it, that I’m special. Instead, he left me feeling worthless. I almost didn’t apply for that job altogether, purely based on his reaction. I had adopted the approach of put up and shut up for an easy life by this time. People had started to notice as well. Somehow, I brushed myself off and I applied for the job anyway. I’m not sure why, but I did. A sense of realisation maybe? I guess we’ll never know.
Interview day came and it was surprisingly easy. I was told I had the job before I even sat down! I was only there to do the paperwork. I had no idea! I didn’t need his good luck as someone else had made me feel I was worth something. It’s just a shame that it was someone I’d only worked with for a matter of weeks, rather than my husband of nearly five years. I was “a breath of fresh air” apparently. Like the loyal puppy I was, I told him and his reaction was:
“Its going to rack the miles up on the car isn’t it?”
I was mortified, although I don’t know why I expected anything else. I burst into tears.Thankfully I was in a quiet room where my conversation couldn’t be heard. All he’d done is put me down over and over again when he knew I wanted this so badly. I was supposed to have a reason to celebrate. Instead I felt like shit. Needless to say, an argument ensued with a myriad of insults thrown my way which lasted most of the night.
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