Anti Depressants Week 2
It was a brutal 2nd week but every step and every day brings a little more healing
Well, week two on these tablets has been almost as brutal as week one. So, I thought I’d let you know about how the tablets have been making me feel personally. There are four main issues I’ve been faced with, so, I thought I’d voice them. If you can relate, that’s great. Again though, please keep in mind that I am not giving medical advice and if you have anything similar that may be bothering you then see your doctor.
First off, there was no sign of any let up on the drowsiness and exhaustion until the last two days or so. Even then I’m finding myself having to sleep in the afternoon. It’s not even a case of “oh I could do with a nap”, it’s a case of struggling to keep my eyes open so I have no choice but to lay there and drift away into a somewhat haunted sleep. I say that as I am sometimes asleep long enough with the opportunity to dream. My dreams have a tendency to be flashbacks and nightmares, which is part and parcel of my diagnosis of PTSD. One amusing dream I did have was that I was asked to be Manchester United’s goalkeeper. That was just strange.
Second of all, stomach upset. This is one is quite troubling as far as I’m concerned. As soon as I eat something, I’m in the bathroom ten minutes later. It’s to the point whereby I’m scared to leave the house a couple of hours after eating. Where I associate gastro-intestinal problems like that with vomiting I get worked up as I have a phobia of vomit. So it makes it even worse. So, I eat then I’m in the bathroom. I get myself wound up and I end up having to pay another visit. That ends up in me not leaving the house when I should have been somewhere or actually wanted to something for the first time in months. Apologies for the full disclosure: just giving an honest account.
Hypersensitivity. Whilst having a somewhat extrovert personality, some people wouldn’t believe the levels of anxiety I experience every day. It’s even worse than normal. I did speak to my psychiatrist and she said it would pass. So, whilst the issue itself is quite disconcerting, I’ve had the reassurance it’ll pass. I won’t even answer the door unless whoever is at the other side tells me who it is first, as the knocking terrifies me. I went to go and see the new “Joker” film on Sunday night (which was amazing might I add) and the first gunshot was so unexpected for me my whole body jolted, arm in the air and everything. Brian had to comfort me and calm me down as my heart was thumping. So, sudden noises are definitely an issue at the moment.
Dry Mouth. This one is commonly associated with anxiety when not treated anyway. However, Imagine in tenfold. Tongue sticking to the roof of the mouth with no amount of water, or any other drink, doing anything to ease it off. It doesn’t cause any real concern to me. It’s just disgusting. Sometimes when people get dry mouth, bad breath closely follows. That terrifies me. We’ve all had to do our best to subtly hold our breath when someone talks to us. I don’t want to be the person people hold their breath for. So, the fruit Polos are always on hand. I much prefer the fruit ones. Any kind of boiled sweet to help keep things… moist (vile choice of word, I know), will suffice.
These are the main issues I have been facing with my anti depressants in the second week. However, I keep trying to tell myself that they are for the greater good and that they will help me get better when used with therapy. My first counselling session is tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll be able to tell you all about it. I’ve always been very against the idea of anti depressants. I’ve always been of the sentiment that they mask the problem and put on a chemically induced happy face. In the same way as giving a heroin addict methadone. Also, the people who don’t use them properly. They just rely on them with no therapy or other treatment for years at a time. No way I want to be on these long term. I already take 6 tablets a day not including these. Shake me and you can hear me rattle! So I intend to work hard at therapy in an effort to get off these pills and get back to normal. It’s the first time I’ve felt this driven for so long. I just hope I stay that way. I don’t want to fall into another dark hole. I think the tablets are supposed to help stop that from happening. Well, I hope so at least.