The Dream

I was found. I was laughed at. He was holding a stupid amount of pint glasses in his hands, looking down the stairs at me in the local pub. Nowhere did I see the pub's name. All I know is that it was in the town where I am now living, where nobody can find me.

"Fuck you. I knew I'd find you", his eyes said.

How did he find me?  Even my closest friends don't have my address. Not even my family. How I was found was never explained. But the fear. THAT. WAS. REAL.

I ran as fast as I could to the one place I thought I could hide: the ladies toilet. I slammed the cubicle shut and I screamed. I cried. I was nearly sick. Someone followed me into the toilet. It was J. Then her face changed into someone else's right before my eyes and changed back just as quickly. She asked what was wrong. I could hardly believe what I was saying. I was struggling to breathe: trying to explain that I had been found. She didn't believe me. Then she persisted in asking if I was sure. I was being made to feel as if I was going mad. Almost as if I was seeing things. A hallucination? I told her to go and see for herself. I asked her to go and check that I was right. My own sanity was being belittled. She left me in the toilet cubicle for what felt like an absolute age. I can't remember if I was crying, hyperventilating, or both.

Eventually, J came back. She confirmed so many of my worst nightmares in such a short time. First off - Yes, I had in fact been found. The fact still remained that nobody knew how. The reason J had been gone for so long was that she was hearing "the other side" of the story. I've been nothing short of open and honest through all of this and I am not a saint (I am disclosing everything in this blog and there will be more to come). After that, J ended up leaving the pub with him.

The thing is, whilst I woke up horrified at being found. J's actions in the dream didn't shock me, they didn't hurt me. I don't know why: they just didn't. I woke up at 2.30 am and struggled to get back to sleep. All I can think about is being found. I don't want to be found. B was nowhere to be seen in my dream. I think that may be a part of why I was left feeling so frightened. As I couldn't find someone who made me feel truly safe. Like nobody can hurt me any more. When B is around, the horrible thoughts are easier to push away and distract myself from. I know it's safe to cry. Still, I need to know why HE is coming into my dreams. Nobody can help me when I am on my back and completely defenceless. I was still trapped in the same building as him. I had nowhere to run, with no way out. The toilet had no windows.

I woke up on the verge of being sick, with the cat looking at me from the windowsill. I was freezing, even though the temperature on the fan said twenty five degrees. I was freezing cold. I lifted the cat off the windowsill for comfort. He's gone through everything with me. Been there through the darkest of times. Sadly, he's seen it all. But we have such a close bond. There have been times where it has been cuddle him, or call the Samaritans. Cuddle him, or go for a drive that I won't come home from. That cat has saved my life more than once. So, I did what I've done so many times before: I chose to cuddle him, in the hope that it'll ease the pain. I didn't want to disturb anyone, especially not B. I didn't want to be a burden. Only difference is that cat didn't want to know this time either. He pushed himself away from me and launched himself straight back onto his safe perch.

I looked over and saw B, sleeping like an angel. There's no way I could disturb that peaceful face. I looked at my phone and it was only 2 am. I was in for a long night. All I could think about was being found, his cuts, the words. The cats having a fight at 4 am was a reprieve as B woke up for a while.

I felt so alone when I was writing this. I hope there are people who can make some sort of sense out of this.