Domestic Abuse 101 - Snake in the Ranks

Just when you thought you had escaped control and interference. Think again

You get to a point in your journey where you’ve met someone new, you’re trudging through the mess that is your own head, making sense of the world around you and then it hits you.

The person you fled from rears his head AGAIN

in an effort to control finances, emotions and life choices and dropping the bombshell that he knew you had met someone new.

Just when you thought it had ended. Think again

 This is exactly what happened to me.

There was only one way this could have happened to me. I have kept an extremely low profile on social media on purpose, even using my maiden name before divorce proceedings are done. None of this “Facebook official” bullshit.  Only introducing the new person in my life to the people that I trust the most. Only even so much as mentioning him to people that I think have the ability to keep their mouths shut, seeing as they know how fragile things are at the moment.  I’ve learned something very upsetting on my survival journey so far: trust nobody. Not 100% at least. Be sure to hold back, otherwise will something, or someone will come back to get you.


I got a message out the blue only last week, from the ex-husband, saying I need to sort out our finances.

Fucking cheek really seeing as everything is in his name (his choice not mine) and the people who need to be spoken to won’t even so much as say hello to me. So I snapped back by swiftly telling him to go forth and multiply. That in itself felt good, purely because I had the power to do it now, after all this time. He went on to say “have a nice life with Brian” – mentioning the guy by name! I was terrified. How did he know? Who had told him? How long had he known for?


After I’d managed to calm down the next morning, I made a few phone calls to my nearest and dearest. My family gave me the usual pep talk saying “you’re your father’s daughter, you can do anything”. I proceeded to call my closest friends who all pleaded ignorance. They all seemed as shocked as I did. I didn’t know what to believe.

Someone had betrayed my trust.

After everything I’ve been through and all the support that people have given for someone to do that. That is the epitome of having a snake in the ranks. That was the term that my Aunt used for it and it feels oh so appropriate. I managed to establish a pathway as to how I think my ex-husband found out, yet I haven’t explored it yet. It’s a case of plucking up the balls.


In summary – be careful who you tell things after you flee.

The world is far smaller than you think. Information you want kept private isn’t kept private for long. Someone you feel you can trust may have a burning desire to tell someone else, and so on. Then, it’s a simple case of watching the dominoes fall. Keep things to yourself. Not the really important things, or the things that are causing you real emotional torment. However, something that gives you joy or true happiness. Don’t share it with too many. I say this as someone will make a valiant attempt to take it away. Once you’ve started to recover, people start to show their true colours. That can put you into a whole new wave of depression.

Do things that make you happy.

Do them for you and you alone.

Don’t let anyone ruin the joy you find during your hour of need.


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