Domestic Abuse 101 - The Phone
Today, I realised I'd gone a little off the radar. Slowly, but surely over the last few weeks, I've been speaking to people less and less.
I'd even stopped speaking to H, even to others as I know some have an innate incapability to keep their mouths shut. I have to be careful how this is worded. People who you've spent months confiding in, only to find that they have been telling other people all this time only to find they're not the person you thought they once were. Now that's a hard pill to swallow. Especially when you try to show the support that you've been given and you just get a crisp slap in the face.
So, the moral of the story for me is to not bother and to try and work on myself for a while. Part of the reason I've fallen off the face of the earth, that and I have realised that I am somewhat depressed. Issue with that is that I know I am but am too stubborn to go to the doctor.
I don't like tablets. They don't deal with what is really going on. They just mask it for a while and turn you into a zombie, so, what's the point. I'll tell you what the point in that is: There isn't one!! I'd rather deal with things alone than get spoken to like a complete cunt. I've spent long enough being spoken to like the shit on someone else's shoe if it's all the same, thank you very much.
Anyway, I digress. I've hardly spoken to KL, to the point where she didn't realise I was signed off sick from work as it had been that long since we last spoke properly. She wants to see me in the next couple of days.
Despite the fact she's a close friend: talking is taxing. I love being alone just as much as I hate it at the moment. I like the silence. I can sit here with nothing going on. I can sit here and sleep just so long as he doesn't make an appearance in my dreams. It means I'm away from the thoughts and the memories and from people. If I want to interact, I can simply use the phone.
Another person I haven't spoken to for a while: Charlie - my best friend. Tom - a very old friend. Andy - A good friend who's given up so much for me. Carrie - One of my oldest friends. Nothing more than small talk and the odd social media exchange of late. Whenever I answer the phone, I'm crying. So now I choose not to if I can help it.
Today, for some reason, I did pick up. KM called me on her lunch break to check on me. To see where I was and to ask how I had been as she hadn't heard from me for God knows how long.
I couldn't say much else other than sorry and then true to recent form I started crying. I don't really want to reach out to people. I don't to be seen as like him, I said.
I was reminded of the fact that he was posting pictures of his cuts, suicide threats as well as dark posts of what he thought to be relevant song lyrics to his feelings on social media for all to see.
Airing the laundry, if you will. In KM's words, me reaching out because I need help is very different to what he was doing, especially as he was rallying for her attention and then very swiftly blocking her on all social media platforms after he was arrested for SOME of the things he did to me. Some. I will come to those another time.
I was reminded of a girl we both know, who went through the same, though the difference was she often turned up on KM's doorstep with a bloodied nose and black eyes begging for help as she was (rightly so) frightened for her life. She felt the need to run and hide, like I did. All being said and done now, I completely understand the lengths people go to to hide what is truly going on behind closed doors. I was reminded by KM that B can't be my sole source of support, that I need to reach out to others. It can be too big of a cross for one person to carry. B lets me unload and confide, which is great and KM is over the moon that I have someone like that in my life that is doing that and that he is also really trying to get me to get some independent help, by means of a therapist or going to my doctor etc. I've made my feelings on the doctor and anti-depressants abundantly clear however. I know it'll be a somewhat unpopular opinion, but, it's one I can't help. She asked if writing anything down was in any way cathartic for me to which my response was no and at the moment I stand by that. I think the reason for that at the moment is that there are so many different things going on in my head that I don't know where to start! Maybe when I get things in order it'll become more of a therapeutic process and I talked about that at length with KM.
A lot of tears were shed in that one hour. It reminded me that my phone is a huge lifeline.
That is even more so when you are alone. If you feel the need to connect but don't feel able to be around people. That option for a certain degree of connection is still available to you. KM has said that she wants to touch base more often, especially now that she knows that I am in as dark a place as I am at the moment. She had no idea things had got to that point in my head. She said I need to learn how to reach out, and to a certain extent I agree, then again, I can't help but think I got myself into this mess therefore I should be able to get myself out of it. My rational head says it's not as easy as that, however.
Reaching out is a hard thing to learn after not being able to without fear of backlash for so many years. The phone seems to be a good place to start. I need to learn to answer it more, even when I don't feel like it as it might pay dividends when I really need help. Sure as anything it did today. I still have the burning eyes to prove it. She knows a lot more about my headspace now, and I hers, as we talked A LOT. We've always understood each other so well. It's what makes our friendship such a special one.
I hope my lesson about the power a phone can have can help someone in need who reads this!