Trump.D Diary : Friday 20th January 2017

Today is my last day as plain old Donald Trump, property tycoon, reality TV star and multi-billionaire; internationally famous for having a bad haircut, strange facial gestures and a trophy wife.

OK so I’ve been President Elect since November the 28th…… or was it  the 8^th?!  Anyway that’s been fun! 

Firstly there was that little wrangle with the US security services – long overdue in my opinion – but it shook them up while at the same time they had to provide the next President of the United States – me - with security befitting my impending office and also security against any threat from all the voters I pissed off on my campaign trail.

But it’s not about man-in-the-street voters as much as electoral college votes and those I got.  I got elected and no amount of bitching, protesting or dis-Putin (see what I did there…?!) is gonna make a flea’s fart of difference now.

Nixon was careless, Bush and others were just puppets and Obama was a pussy.  Hilary was too tarnished with the sins of establishment and I was just too damned rich not to win.  I knew that.

I knew that plain speaking and firm leadership would be a refreshing change in a country sick of diplomatic tip-toeing.  I knew that being unafraid of pissing people off would come across as brave, honest leadership and that harsh words would win valuable exposure, saving on my campaign budget.

When a guy like me can win the votes of Americans who have to work a whole lifetime to even come close to earning what I make during one second of sleep then the stage is set for change.  And I’m so up for it!

Change is in the air.  The UK’s Brexit was a big shock but I really think my election might have been an even bigger shock on the world stage.

Teresa May and all the others who short-sightedly tried to piss on my campaign are now getting sick on a diet of pure humble pie and that’s been so much fun to watch.  My new old friend Vladimir was the only one to back a winner during the race – perhaps he saw a kindred spirit and God knows I could really sort things out if I only had Putin’s powers.  Then I really could make most of our problems - and certainly all of our problem people – simply disappear overnight.    In Putin’s world it’s not “You’re fired” but “You’re FRIED” as he pushes the button connecting them to a final solution.

But first things first.

High Noon approaches and I need to get ready for my inauguration.  Today I finally get my hands on the Presidential pen and, in my hand, the pen will undoubtedly be more powerful than the word.