My 1st Christmas of Freedom from an abusive relationship

I could actually put my hand on my heart and say I was looking forward to Xmas

Brian and I bought our first Christmas decoration . He knows how much I love unicorns, so, this is what we left John Lewis with

I have to say I left feeling very proud of myself and with a very smug look on my face. I had never been allowed anything like this before and I was so happy. I had bought him a secret treat of a Lego advent calendar. Yes, we’re grown adults and he likes lego… Don’t judge. He was so so happy. I’ve never seen such gratitude on someone’s face before. He’s had girlfriends, don’t get me wrong, but, he’s never had one with him on Christmas Day. He’s so excited. So am I. I haven’t sat around a table with people I truly care about at Christmas time for at least 5 years. I’ve forgotten what it feels like! So no doubt Christmas Day will be an emotional one.

When we got home, Brian felt a little sorry for himself as he couldn’t get hold of a couple of cuddly Edgars (from the John Lewis advert) for his baby niece and his Nan as they were all sold out. Aside from that, he was so happy with his first ever advent calendar of his adult life and he says he wants to get me a makeup one in return. He knows I absolutely love my makeup. So he’s put thought into that knowing that it’s a bit of me. That’s what Christmas is all about for me. Thought. My gifts don’t need to be expensive. It’s all about the thought. Brian knows I LOVE unicorns, and I always profess that they are real at any given opportunity, just to annoy him (in a funny way). So I know that there will be something unicorn related in my little gift bundle.

I thought I would get emotional with Christmas approaching, wondering what could have been, what if I had stayed etc. However, quite the opposite is happening. I know I made the right choice. I knew it anyway, but every day that passes I become stronger and as such I become more resolute in the fact that I am strong, I am independent, I did the right thing, and I have Brian, possibly the best thing to ever happen to me, to hold my hand and see me through my darkest hours. He routinely tells me I’m not, however, I do really feel like I’m in his debt. He doesn’t realise how special he is.

I’m getting excited about Christmas for so many reasons! Decorations. I’ve only decorated twice since my Dad passed away 13 years ago. For the first time, I can’t wait. Brian said about tinsel and I pretty much laughed in his face telling him tinsel was last used in houses in the 80’s and there are other things we can use. I said we could get a wreath, I was debating with him what colour scheme to have on the tree, and whether or not the naughtier of our two cats would knock it down. I was bouncing off the walls with excitement talking about it all. Talking about what out Christmas dinner is going to be, what our Grandma has planned for us between Christmas and New Year. There are so many good things going on at the moment that the negative in my life is just falling into the shadows. I know it won’t last forever, but, I’m going to revel in it while it lasts.